Mon, Mar. 8th, 2004, 05:03 pm
So according to numerology, the number of my fate is 8. This means that my soul, chosing its current life that its living, has decided to experience many more difficulties than is needed in order to achieve a really big advancement in reincarnation......because the more difficulties experienced and survived, the more opportunities has my soul to advance closer to the divine. Obviously, before i came to this world, I've had much more faith in my strength than I do now,.....not sure that if i now had to make a choice what life to live, i'd make the same one.....anyway, that's the deal with numerology......
But true or not, the difficulties are not holding back.....This year has started absolutelly awfully, from the very new year's night until now......before i used to read the beatnik litterature, and now i'm living it. Funny, several years ago i used to dream and wonder what its like, to have no money, no responsibilities, no home to live in, to constantly move from place to place, from friend's house to friends' house, to drag through the streets hungry, to eat a little bit once a day, if even....and the only refuge to be the books and the music....well, damnit, i lived just like that for a month....and the other month and a half not much better.....things are finally starting to reorganize a bit, and i'm wondering and asking myself what was the need of all that....did i really succed in making a quantum leap in my conscience, or did i waste my chance....did my soul really use the opportunity? I can't complain about the things that have happened, the least i can say that i enjoyed it. The question is what i'm going to be able to make of myself while the things have not yet settled down...now's the time
Mon, Nov. 3rd, 2003, 08:05 pm
so,for those who don't know but are interested, i moved from Pomorie, the wonderful city by the sea which has so much mysticism and karmic significance (which i will write of another time) into the biggest city in bulgaria, the capital sofia.....at least i'm no longer subjected to the small town mentality which is so degrating of even the strongest character. Now i'm living at my aunt's house, who is a psychiatrist and in all a very interesting woman whom i have not known my entire life until now....and will be moving into an apartment with two other girls soon to at least have my independence that i've gotten used to the past year living alone....i'm going to a university which is the only one in bulgaria fashioned in an american educational system, studying music and only music...harmony, theory, piano, etc....and going to bassoon lessons at the bulgarian musical academy, with a wonderful professor who is actually just as good as the one that i left behind in oc....and responsible entirely for this wonderful situation is my uncle/dad steve.....well, the bassoon came from many of you, and i thank you so increadibly much....had it not appeared, i probably would not be involved in any kind of music....but my dad, being inspired by the fact that my friends have been so generous to me, even more than i could have ever expected, and the changes he saw in me when he came, bought me another bassoon, more professional so that i could play possibly in some good orchestras here...so now i have to bassoon babies, love them both, and play with them every day...named matisse and marti :) anyway, he is taking care of me, supporting me financially extremely well, and in all i have nothing to complain of....i have been here for a month now, and this is the longest i have ever been away from joro, my love....the cosmic father of our future star children, the other half of me, of our diad, that magician whom i share all my magic spells with....the soul whom i have promised my sould for eternity.....and living without him is very difficult at times, though i manage. one thing at least i have learned is how much i love him, being away from him for so long. and anyway, that's life, right?
so now you know what he looks like ;)
Mon, Nov. 3rd, 2003, 07:47 pm
So last night i read until 4 am tom robbins' "Skinny leggs and all", drank 3 grogs during that time,(don't know, is that the way they call herbal tea with rum and honey in america? i've forgotten...) and finally fell asleep, spinning into a cosmic colorful universe of lights when i closed my eyes, partially due to the attempts of pranayama while falling asleep....all in all, very typical night....but the dream was so very bizzare, that maybe i need to explain it.....i was walking somewhere with my aunt Maria, whom i live with....we walked into a room that kind of resembled a shrine, and walked up to an alter....or something similar, at least giving of those kinds of vibes...then my aund said that there she felt the presence of virgin mary strongly.....while i tried to feel it, some type of force materialized in the space around me, squeezed me from all sides, pushed me and i fell to the ground....it was inside of me thought that the force had the greatest power.....at first i stopped breathing, and then i started again but the breathing was different, as though i was breating cosmic air, taking in the whole universe and at the same time being part of everything....this apparantly contradicting feeling of being the smallest and the greatest particle was so overpowering and realistic that i began to cry in my dream....the rest of the dreams were more realistic, having to do with events going on in life here....anyway, when i woke up i realized that i had cried during the night, my eyes were swollen and puffy....but why the virgin mary, i have given so little thought to her, and still don't see that much the significance....had it been ishtar, isis, astarte.....or some other incarnation or name of hers i would more like believe it....who knows, maybe there is a connection??? besides, today while waiting for the trolley some guy tried to sell me a callendar with the virgin on the front for some charity...well, this episode is just getting scribbled down in the notebook of my life....today when the tram was going by and i was waiting for my transport to my lesson, i looked at all the people inside, looking out, everyone either sitting or standing....and it looked like a staff with the musical notes written out, each a different hight, lenght, color.....hahaha, a city's symphony can be seen or heard anywhere.... and i'm beginning to hear the one here....
writing for the first time for over a year now....and all this feels foreign to me...words don't come as easily in this language to me anymore, since the only english i hear is in music and between the covers of the two tom robins books angela has send me....oh my god, how strange it all feels....but no bad, not bad at all...i'm burning up from desire, from excitement and impatiance to pour out all that i have accumulated in a year, and i'm not shy to admit that it is a lot more than many people experince for an entire lifetime. perhaps this entry is going to be more based on my feelings, because i cannot right away organize all the information i will be entering in here, maybe i will even need quite some time....
when i left california a year and four months ago, i unknowingly took a step into the path leading to the center of a different universe which consists not only of people, places, events.....that's the smallest part of it all....a universe of truth, love, inspiration, mysticism...all of which are accessable to me, but only through the path of suffering. i don't know how to explain it all, but i have become an entirely different person than who i was before...there is not a trace left of the self-pity, of the suffering, of the angryness and depression which were the guidelines, the borders of the road that i walked on...yes, though that road was occasionally crossed with inspiration and love, it was build upon suffering. Somehow though, i don't know how or why, i have landed in an entirelly different place. i do though feel that i deserve this wonderful new universe, not because of what i have done or who i am...because i have done nothing and am noone to be rewarded with this wonder.....but i am willing to do all that i have to, be everything that i need to, to give my soul and spirit for what is needed to enforce the love and truth that are revealed to me in this universe upon the world that i live in.....
well, that topic's gonna be expanded on later, of course....now though , that peace reigns in my heart, peace that i have never known again, i'm returning to my essence, which i have left infront of the doorway to this new universe. Because it was necessary to leave my essence, and all the things i identified myself with in order to be accepted into this universe and begin to understand some of the basic, fundemental ideas of it....but now i am beginning to collect all those things that i was separated from, estranged from, in order to become some type of active force for this truth....
for the first time since i have left i'm entering into music again....and it feels so good,....thanks to the increadible wonderful friends and dad/uncle that i have...and now, i can feel the music from an entirely different perspective...and i'm realizing that its my increadible luck and fortune to be accepted in the world of music, because its the only real active force of the gods, of the truth, of love, in our world, which cannot be twisted, turned, lyed through and hated with....music is the voice of god speaking of love....of that universal love that most people so shut their eyes and refuse to see it through their entire pathetic existence.
anyway, thats the general idea of it....
Angela! my god how i miss you....i want you to know that everytime i look at the moon i thing of you, i say little magic words and matras for you and beautiful cara...i pray that love will take her on her wings, and carrie her into the protective embraces of the mother goddess Ishtar, and that Pan may color her life with the inspiration of the magical music of his flute....she is a beautiful baby and i'm sure that when little nadejda finds her way on this earth in my belly again, then they will be good close friends....and maybe they allready are, don't you think? Angieloo, i'm so thankful to you that i don't know how, there is just no possible way to express my gratitude...but again, i know that you are fully aware of how i feel....because you feel me....and i you....know that in all the time that we didn't communicate through direct words i though of you, and was with you....and i love you so deeply, deeply much!
let me talk
but please don't make me listen
because, i admit, i don't have the strength to deal with what you are about to tell me
even if its not that horrible
even if there is no power in what you say
it will seem so to me
whatever it is you say
i will be scared
because it seems like a big deal to me
because i blow it out of proportion
because i cant let go
so then the problem comes down entirely to me
so give me silence
it seems to me i've been gone from my old life a long long time....somehow i didn't feel it until i actually sat down and realized how much has changed, how much time has passed by........if i even knew half the things that have happened back there in my "home" i bet i would feel as though an entire lifetime, MY entire lifetime has passed by.
what has happened to you, all my friends? and all those of you with whom i spent so much time with before? increadible how much power distance has....its not exactly distance, its the fact that i no longer spent time with you.....
and the sorrow somehow hasn't hit me
it attempted, for a short time...but it was more of an anger at a situation which affected my entire life, and i was/am powerless to change it.....now the anger's gone. my philosophy and pacifism....though until now harmful for me, finaly saved me from the self-distruction which could have happened...but it didn't happen, because the truth, the revelation that it really doesn't matter what happens but only how i feel about it, came....and really it is a large relief to know that the responcibility doesn't lie only within me, and..there are no real villains...no main enemy....that maybe i'm just as much my own enemy as is someone whom i feel controls some aspects of me.
so, my question now is whether anything of "me" which you all know is left....what do i mean now, what am i now?
the changes have been taking place from the very beginning of my time here. the minute i stepped on the land. the changes startled me because they were so sudden but did not surprise me, because i expected them....somehow i'm still rather disconnected from all that as happened.
so now, i'm in appearance something different.....a waitress in a coffeehouse.....who would have guessed? though it seems very counter to my nature, there is something essential in this job which has something very close to me...whatever , i don't question anymore...if it doesn't come to me i don't need to analyze it, its meaningless.
i have a boyfriend who's interesting and i'm attracted to him in almost everyway......but not so much physically and the sex is more of a ritual than an act of love......hahaha, i seem to not mind.
i'm in love with a married man with a child....who loves me, and i know it not only because he says it. we don't see each other that often but when we do our meetings are long, but don't seem such......i love him spiritually, emotionally, physically....he brings me a perfect mix of peace and passion, comfort and energy...he's a painter, and artist and philosopher....evil and perfectly good.....and everytime i think of him, my entire body feels extasy.....
the tragedy of it all, to find a man like him who is, and will always be, who is beyond age and every other thing that limits mankind, and to not be able to have him all to myself....his marriage is not the obstacle, because it is an entirely social acceptance action.......but the fact that we are in a society which accepts so little, which knows everything that happens and immediatelly spreads everything controversial, the fact that its not understood that a man of 40 and a girl of 18 can be together....it all comes down heavy upon my hopes. but maybe thats how its supposed to be....he'll be my inspiration in evryway, i'll be his, and we'll be together however we can. and maybe there is simply too much of him to be the one for me with whom i'd like to be with forever,,....because everything that too sweet comes to a point where it can't be stood anymore. i'm not at that point a and i don't see it coming soon, but i won't be supprised if it happened.
the worst thing is being treated like a sick person when you know deep inside yourself that you really aren't. then you have to show to others but they don't believe. people fall into the cycle of pity and quickly prescribe the diagnose and the "needed treatment."
anyway, what is all this with me needing time in my "own country" to reconnect with my "rrots" and my family, and to discover who i am? i very well know who i am. my country is not bulgarian, and i do not believe in roots. i am what i am, and i never, never look back to try to identify myself with something i have been or have thought before. to me that characterizes backward, closed-minded thinking.
so, to all who may have heard i'm here by choice, i am actually not.
its just that fighing it in this moment will only bring me more troubles to deal with.
to all my family, loving people there in the US who may read this, and of whom i've only heard from two......there's nothing wrong with my emotional state. i don't need help, i don't need time to find myself. in fact, why don't you try life in this country? why don't you try to live somewhere where i have no future, where 50% of the people have no job, whre i can't finish my education because what i've learned until now, which may be considered a lot in the US but is nothing here, where there are no junior colleges, no libraries, and nothing in the bookstores but cheap trashy romance novels, where theres' no money for food, no place for me to rent an instrument, any kind of an instrument.............the fucking list is a bit too long. in fact, the kind of a person i'm likely to become here is so different than the fucking ideal picture you have painted in your heads, that chances are you'll not want me when i come back
and the lovely irony once again throws some cold water on our faces....and on your dicks (now, my two-faced "friend" and guardian, how do you feel about the way things are turning out?)i told you your hipocrisy was no way to raise me.
but on the long run, when i have to say one word about the situation, all i'll end with is the polite "thank you." because politeness, i've noticed, is a shortage in all the places i've been
and peace to your souls, because you should need it.
Fri, Jul. 19th, 2002, 11:35 am
the inaudible spider crawls through the insides of my legs
continues through my stomach
and rests on my throat
my head is thrown back
my limbs stiff, poisoned with the burning sensation of its power
and growing heavy
its eyes look in mine
its limbs knit a covering of silk
in which i can safely sleep eternity away
with its soft eyes it tells me about the journey
where i'll go is up to me, and no one else
away, thats for sure.
the destination is the same, but the ways are infinite
only i can choose
how far will i go, the soft blackness questions me
but knows that even i can't tell untill i go there
pick a thread of my web and find your way
and keep your mind light and unburdened
because the lighter you are, the longer my web will hold you
if you weigh yourself down it will break and you will be
and no longer being able to progress.
now its clear to me how to travel there, but i still don't know where
and as it sits on me it drinks up all the nervous energy pouring out of my head
and my mind grows slow and heavy like my limbs.
good night sweet spider
wake me up when i return