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Fri, Jul. 26th, 2002, 12:35 am
sometimes hearing the diagnose makes the illness worse

the worst thing is being treated like a sick person when you know deep inside yourself that you really aren't. then you have to show to others but they don't believe. people fall into the cycle of pity and quickly prescribe the diagnose and the "needed treatment."
anyway, what is all this with me needing time in my "own country" to reconnect with my "rrots" and my family, and to discover who i am? i very well know who i am. my country is not bulgarian, and i do not believe in roots. i am what i am, and i never, never look back to try to identify myself with something i have been or have thought before. to me that characterizes backward, closed-minded thinking.
so, to all who may have heard i'm here by choice, i am actually not.

its just that fighing it in this moment will only bring me more troubles to deal with.
to all my family, loving people there in the US who may read this, and of whom i've only heard from two......there's nothing wrong with my emotional state. i don't need help, i don't need time to find myself. in fact, why don't you try life in this country? why don't you try to live somewhere where i have no future, where 50% of the people have no job, whre i can't finish my education because what i've learned until now, which may be considered a lot in the US but is nothing here, where there are no junior colleges, no libraries, and nothing in the bookstores but cheap trashy romance novels, where theres' no money for food, no place for me to rent an instrument, any kind of an instrument.............the fucking list is a bit too long. in fact, the kind of a person i'm likely to become here is so different than the fucking ideal picture you have painted in your heads, that chances are you'll not want me when i come back

and the lovely irony once again throws some cold water on our faces....and on your dicks (now, my two-faced "friend" and guardian, how do you feel about the way things are turning out?)i told you your hipocrisy was no way to raise me.
but on the long run, when i have to say one word about the situation, all i'll end with is the polite "thank you." because politeness, i've noticed, is a shortage in all the places i've been

and peace to your souls, because you should need it.

Fri, Jul. 26th, 2002 08:07 pm (UTC)
(Anonymous): I miss you!!!

Well if you get this it would make three people that you have heard from. I was devistated to here that you might not come back till the end of summer and then I heard from your aunt that you might not come back at all. You know that I could not let that happen we, your friends, plan to come and take you away from that place others may call your home, and bring you to your "real" home. Where you know its true in your heart. If you havent figured it out this is Cynthia and I had heard from Janelle that you have been leaving messages on here so I thought I would try and reach you.
Love you,

Mon, Jul. 29th, 2002 12:34 pm (UTC)
bsnchic: Re: I miss you!!!

it was soooo nice to hear from you. i miss you so much, its insane being locked up in a different country and not being able to soo you, steph, and everyone else. yes, i'm using this livejournal quite often. btw, if you want to, i can invite you on for free so you can write. or this is fine. my emails bsnchic@yahoo.com
leave me yours, and stephs if you can, i'd like to be able to talk to you both.
i don't have much time online to write right now, but i'll soon. i miss you soooooo much...
hey, what exactly did my mom/aunt say? i have the feeling people there know more about my situation that i do, hehehe. btw, they don't communicate with me much over here from my house there. in fact my mom/aunt hasn't even once called me to see how i'm doing. it pisses me off to think aboiut it.
not everying's bad here though, i don't want to make you feel that i'm entirely unhappy. its just that the entire situation is rather bizarre. when i get your email, i'll write a more personalized message. i don't want everything on here for everyone!
hey, did you go see james? tell me about it, i always like to hear about him, because it re-affirmes what i like in a guy. hehehe, its just that you two always make me feel happy.
ok, gots to go. i'll write again soon. send my love to everyone.
i love you!

Thu, Aug. 1st, 2002 06:02 pm (UTC)
(Anonymous): Re: I miss you!!!

Hey email me when you have the change I dont have much time to write since I am at work.

Love you,

Wed, Jul. 31st, 2002 09:21 pm (UTC)

hey there~ how is everything today? i heard you were getting a job... i hear a lot. when you have time, it'd be nice to get an email from you :) [ smee_c3po@yahoo.com ] oh, the bubble you asked about? i'm sure you've been keeping in touch with everyone so there's not a lot of use in going over the same trivial events that always happen. (is the world still there when i close my eyes? yes.) everything and nothing is still in color :)