the worst thing is being treated like a sick person when you know deep inside yourself that you really aren't. then you have to show to others but they don't believe. people fall into the cycle of pity and quickly prescribe the diagnose and the "needed treatment."
anyway, what is all this with me needing time in my "own country" to reconnect with my "rrots" and my family, and to discover who i am? i very well know who i am. my country is not bulgarian, and i do not believe in roots. i am what i am, and i never, never look back to try to identify myself with something i have been or have thought before. to me that characterizes backward, closed-minded thinking.
so, to all who may have heard i'm here by choice, i am actually not.
its just that fighing it in this moment will only bring me more troubles to deal with.
to all my family, loving people there in the US who may read this, and of whom i've only heard from two......there's nothing wrong with my emotional state. i don't need help, i don't need time to find myself. in fact, why don't you try life in this country? why don't you try to live somewhere where i have no future, where 50% of the people have no job, whre i can't finish my education because what i've learned until now, which may be considered a lot in the US but is nothing here, where there are no junior colleges, no libraries, and nothing in the bookstores but cheap trashy romance novels, where theres' no money for food, no place for me to rent an instrument, any kind of an instrument.............the fucking list is a bit too long. in fact, the kind of a person i'm likely to become here is so different than the fucking ideal picture you have painted in your heads, that chances are you'll not want me when i come back
and the lovely irony once again throws some cold water on our faces....and on your dicks (now, my two-faced "friend" and guardian, how do you feel about the way things are turning out?)i told you your hipocrisy was no way to raise me.
but on the long run, when i have to say one word about the situation, all i'll end with is the polite "thank you." because politeness, i've noticed, is a shortage in all the places i've been
and peace to your souls, because you should need it.