it seems to me i've been gone from my old life a long long time....somehow i didn't feel it until i actually sat down and realized how much has changed, how much time has passed by........if i even knew half the things that have happened back there in my "home" i bet i would feel as though an entire lifetime, MY entire lifetime has passed by.
what has happened to you, all my friends? and all those of you with whom i spent so much time with before? increadible how much power distance has....its not exactly distance, its the fact that i no longer spent time with you.....
and the sorrow somehow hasn't hit me
it attempted, for a short time...but it was more of an anger at a situation which affected my entire life, and i was/am powerless to change it.....now the anger's gone. my philosophy and pacifism....though until now harmful for me, finaly saved me from the self-distruction which could have happened...but it didn't happen, because the truth, the revelation that it really doesn't matter what happens but only how i feel about it, came....and really it is a large relief to know that the responcibility doesn't lie only within me, and..there are no real villains...no main enemy....that maybe i'm just as much my own enemy as is someone whom i feel controls some aspects of me.
so, my question now is whether anything of "me" which you all know is left....what do i mean now, what am i now?
the changes have been taking place from the very beginning of my time here. the minute i stepped on the land. the changes startled me because they were so sudden but did not surprise me, because i expected them....somehow i'm still rather disconnected from all that as happened.
so now, i'm in appearance something different.....a waitress in a coffeehouse.....who would have guessed? though it seems very counter to my nature, there is something essential in this job which has something very close to me...whatever , i don't question anymore...if it doesn't come to me i don't need to analyze it, its meaningless.
i have a boyfriend who's interesting and i'm attracted to him in almost everyway......but not so much physically and the sex is more of a ritual than an act of love......hahaha, i seem to not mind.
i'm in love with a married man with a child....who loves me, and i know it not only because he says it. we don't see each other that often but when we do our meetings are long, but don't seem such......i love him spiritually, emotionally, physically....he brings me a perfect mix of peace and passion, comfort and energy...he's a painter, and artist and philosopher....evil and perfectly good.....and everytime i think of him, my entire body feels extasy.....
the tragedy of it all, to find a man like him who is, and will always be, who is beyond age and every other thing that limits mankind, and to not be able to have him all to myself....his marriage is not the obstacle, because it is an entirely social acceptance action.......but the fact that we are in a society which accepts so little, which knows everything that happens and immediatelly spreads everything controversial, the fact that its not understood that a man of 40 and a girl of 18 can be together....it all comes down heavy upon my hopes. but maybe thats how its supposed to be....he'll be my inspiration in evryway, i'll be his, and we'll be together however we can. and maybe there is simply too much of him to be the one for me with whom i'd like to be with forever,,....because everything that too sweet comes to a point where it can't be stood anymore. i'm not at that point a and i don't see it coming soon, but i won't be supprised if it happened.