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Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2003, 05:32 pm
returning to my essence.....

writing for the first time for over a year now....and all this feels foreign to me...words don't come as easily in this language to me anymore, since the only english i hear is in music and between the covers of the two tom robins books angela has send me....oh my god, how strange it all feels....but no bad, not bad at all...i'm burning up from desire, from excitement and impatiance to pour out all that i have accumulated in a year, and i'm not shy to admit that it is a lot more than many people experince for an entire lifetime. perhaps this entry is going to be more based on my feelings, because i cannot right away organize all the information i will be entering in here, maybe i will even need quite some time....
when i left california a year and four months ago, i unknowingly took a step into the path leading to the center of a different universe which consists not only of people, places, events.....that's the smallest part of it all....a universe of truth, love, inspiration, mysticism...all of which are accessable to me, but only through the path of suffering. i don't know how to explain it all, but i have become an entirely different person than who i was before...there is not a trace left of the self-pity, of the suffering, of the angryness and depression which were the guidelines, the borders of the road that i walked on...yes, though that road was occasionally crossed with inspiration and love, it was build upon suffering. Somehow though, i don't know how or why, i have landed in an entirelly different place. i do though feel that i deserve this wonderful new universe, not because of what i have done or who i am...because i have done nothing and am noone to be rewarded with this wonder.....but i am willing to do all that i have to, be everything that i need to, to give my soul and spirit for what is needed to enforce the love and truth that are revealed to me in this universe upon the world that i live in.....
well, that topic's gonna be expanded on later, of course....now though , that peace reigns in my heart, peace that i have never known again, i'm returning to my essence, which i have left infront of the doorway to this new universe. Because it was necessary to leave my essence, and all the things i identified myself with in order to be accepted into this universe and begin to understand some of the basic, fundemental ideas of it....but now i am beginning to collect all those things that i was separated from, estranged from, in order to become some type of active force for this truth....
for the first time since i have left i'm entering into music again....and it feels so good,....thanks to the increadible wonderful friends and dad/uncle that i have...and now, i can feel the music from an entirely different perspective...and i'm realizing that its my increadible luck and fortune to be accepted in the world of music, because its the only real active force of the gods, of the truth, of love, in our world, which cannot be twisted, turned, lyed through and hated with....music is the voice of god speaking of love....of that universal love that most people so shut their eyes and refuse to see it through their entire pathetic existence.
anyway, thats the general idea of it....

Angela! my god how i miss you....i want you to know that everytime i look at the moon i thing of you, i say little magic words and matras for you and beautiful cara...i pray that love will take her on her wings, and carrie her into the protective embraces of the mother goddess Ishtar, and that Pan may color her life with the inspiration of the magical music of his flute....she is a beautiful baby and i'm sure that when little nadejda finds her way on this earth in my belly again, then they will be good close friends....and maybe they allready are, don't you think? Angieloo, i'm so thankful to you that i don't know how, there is just no possible way to express my gratitude...but again, i know that you are fully aware of how i feel....because you feel me....and i you....know that in all the time that we didn't communicate through direct words i though of you, and was with you....and i love you so deeply, deeply much!

Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2003 10:05 am (UTC)
angepup: <3

sigh
~ :-)

Fri, Nov. 28th, 2003 12:25 am (UTC)
silencelikehigh

i found your journal because you also have mind expansion listed as an interest.

we seem to have similar mindsets, and i completely get where you're coming from in this entry.