that in the eyes of everyone here in bulgaria who has ever known my mother, i AM her.
they say that i talk the same way, walk the same way, have the same body structure, all the same facial and personality characteristics.
i can't think of a greater compliment. i've never known her. i've never missed her either, because i don't think its possible to miss someone who'se passed away when you were 1 yr. old. but i miss knowing her. i think that i've missed out on a great person, not only because she was my mother but because whe really was great. the things people say about her make me feel guilty because i don't know if i could ever live up to that goodness and greatness of a heart. the compliments for me are both encouraging and diturbing.
but overall i'm glad because i'm the only thing left from her. i have my self as a gift from her. i was her "love child," born to her when she was 40 with great love...i don't know, i'm grateful she wanted me so much,,....it really means something when i think about it. my dad, her 2nd husband, was her first love, and she wanted to leave something behind from this great love, which was me. thank you.
Sat, Jul. 13th, 2002, 07:58 pm
sometimes the limitation of reaching nirvana is deeply rooted within our own fear of reaching it. why do we so often become distracted? so many little things bother us. now i know why to let go, i really think i do. because if i don't let go i'm letting myself get into something deep and powerful...the intentional locking up of my soul ,and the intentional weighing myself down. reaching nirvana should be like flying off in the air with nothing to tie me down to the grownd. nothing to pull me towards "reality." anyway the things like water-wounds and mosquito bites which cover my entire legs and bleed everytime i shave don't piss me off anymore. they just add color to the life that i am attempting to understand. ah i have nothing more the fuck to say.
why are some things so hard to do for the first time???
i don't know why^
is it a cycle that i've fallen into, is it just the environment that brings this out of me, is it just me and my mindset at the moment?
whatever it is, it feels different than i've ever felt before. and in the midst of all these adventures i'm learning to stand up for myself. something i could not.
i can even refuse, now.....
before it was so damn hard!
and now i also feel better about myself. i feel more wanted, more real....i feel that there's something more to me.
but of course this could be a bunch of bullshit. which is a very likely case in bulgaria.
so much i want to say, but i'm afraid to for the sake of one person who might read it and misunderstand. i don't want to hide it. i want to say it and take the response, whatever it might be. i;m rambling. my mind is at least. i'm not even drunk.....i don't much like this post . i'm going to write another one right now, and say what's on my mind.
and i think its just so damn funny.
anyway, i'm here and i've found access to a computer. gotta pay but its worth it anyway.
so i was going to be here for only a week. of course my dad decided it was lovely to tell me i was staying here this whole summer and there's nothing i can do about it...once i got here. so, i had no time or way to say my good-byes
i have not found one intelligent, interesting, or intellectually stimulating person ...none
and seing my dad sick all the fucnking time is getting to me . but whatever, i don't want to think about it right now. at all. \
i want to go back. my life is in california, not it fucking bulgaria. so what if i was born here? the fact that i was tricked into coming here for the entire summer just pisses me off even more. whatever.
there's something positive in this whole experience and i'm going to find out what the hell it is.
peace to all.
i'm still ok. but i miss certain people and certain things. ah well i'll appreciate them more when i come back.
Wed, Jun. 12th, 2002, 08:03 pm
this is lovely
Life is a very complex thing to you. You don't understand why there's hate, when we should all love each other. Most things bring you pain, slow painful emotional pain. You know someday you'll unlock the secrets of the universe, but right now all you want to do is lay down and think for awhile. Try not to cry.
Tue, Jun. 11th, 2002, 07:34 pm
the doctor gave me happy pills: EFFEXOR, one a day's supposed to make it all better
he thinks i may even be bipolar.....if not at least depressed....as if i didn't know
why does it have to be this way?
decisions are not as easy to make as i want them to be....i thought i hade made my decision. nope.
i don't know, i just still dont feel at ease. things change, as i always say. maybe i've create the problem because things have been so quiet lately. i don't know what the hell is going on anymore.
so now my mind's going the other way....i want to go back to how things used to be in my mind...the funny thing is that people whom this is about don't even know.....its insanity i know.
hahahah. maybe it was just a phase. maybe everything is just a fucking phase.....
I MISS YOU MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!
leave me alone.
don't ever leave me alone..........
Sun, Jun. 9th, 2002, 11:30 pm
good night sweet ladies! good night!
and i'm going to sleep
today i got an email from i boy i've missed
whom i love
...i didn't talk to another boy
whom i haven't heard from in a while
and whom i think about alot.
i wonder if he thinks about me
...and i thought about another boy
and how jealous of him i am
for taking the short road trip alone
because he needed it...
and because i need it and i would like to go myself
.....kamel reds are still the best cigs out there. hadn't had them in a while...long time, because everytime i went to buy some i was never in the mood
you're never really in the mood for somethings until you experience them. again.
i feel i can ramble on forever. but i need my sleep. i didn't get much last night...i sayed up and thought....meditated....prayed....for a long time. i didn't go on my walk, but its allright.
tomorrow life continues. it was on pause today. though, not truly on pause. life may have stopped but reality continued. or maybe the opposite. whatever it was, it was better.
i can't cry anymore. its not in me. in a way thats good, maybe i'm not as affected by the issues anymore. but in a way, its harder because i can't use my tears to lighten my load anymore. it just feels heavy now. heaviness that i can't put down.
cryin is like vomiting sorrow. vomiting is like cleansing, purifying. so, yes, i've known all along, crying purifies me from sorrow.
i'll get up early, and start writing my humanities final essay. prompt's not been given out yet but its about our current philosophy on life, religion, etc. what do i want them to know about me? why not everything!?! and to write everything takes a while, so i should start early.
and i need to start on my sculpture representing me. jellyfish on top of the world, with a poppie growing....thats a start at lest.